Recently, I had the opportunity to catch up with Cubs infielder Mike Fontenot to discuss things about the season, his career, and life in general.
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Florida Cubbie: Mike, first of all, thanks for allowing me to interview you. Taking into consideration my disdain for the word "interview", I would like to just call this a conversation.
Mike Fontenot: Anytime, it's a pleasure to talk to fans.
FC: Let's face it though, Font. You would much rather be talking to Erin Andrews or Rosie O'Donnell, am I correct?
MF: Halfway correct.
FC: There's a lot of talk on certain Cub fan blog sites of things that go on in the minor leagues -- conspiracy theories if you will. Speaking of Rosie, one theory is that Cedeno plays poorly inthe big leagues because he has a "certain someone" back in Iowa he wants to get back to see. Any truth to that rumor?
MF: Well, Ronny has a certain aura about him in Iowa. It's not uncommon to have guys be snazzy dressers, but it's odd to see that in a place like Iowa. The women have winter coats there, kind of an extra layer to keep them warm. It's quite nice really, and nuzzling up beside one brings back mammaries -- err, memories of being in the womb. Maybe he has bonded with that feeling and longs for it in his loins.
FC: Font -- do you mind if I call you Font?
MF: Call me anything you want, man.
FC: What about Eugene?
MF: Whatever you want.
FC: Okay, Mr. McMilkySkin. You were acquired from the Orioles in a trade that sent Sammy Sosa to the O's. Is that a career highlight, to be involved in a trade with a player with that star power?
MF: Well, I wouldn't call it a highlight. It's pretty demeaning because it took like, 4 or 5 of my caliber players to make the work. You get used to that in baseball, it's a business. I am thinking of naming my child "Player to be Named Later" so that I know he will have a job in this game.
FC: Milk, I mean, Mike...I have to bring this up. You're pretty white. Like, borderline from being the Chris Mullin of baseball. Do you ever feel, you know, really weird standing next to someone much darker, say Felix Pie?
MF: Wow, that's a low blow. Felix is very dark. I mean, one time in Iowa, we had a night practice, and he was fined for being absent, even though he was right by me. In the minors, when we were on the bus, we would put all the guys who wanted to rest and sleep on the back of the bus. All the guys who wanted to play cards would go up front. If the card players needed light, I would go to the front of the bus, and Felix would go to the back. It was our own little traveling solar system.
FC: So, who would have been, you know...the planets and stuff?
MF: Murton would have definitely been the North Star. Greatest minor leaguer I have ever seen. Soto is a close second, he rakes in the minors.
FC: There's a rumor of Mark Cuban buying the Cubs. What would you think of that?
MF: I'm all for it, I like being pampered. We could use a couple of tanning beds in the clubhouse. Maybe a Supercuts or something to keep Hank's Mexi-Mullett trimmed up nice and tight.
FC: Tell me about the dark secrets of the clubhouse and being on the road with these guys for most of the year. Let's start with Dempster, who is regarded as a funny guy himself.
MF: Demspter is addicted to tech stuff. He carries his laptop on the road, and enjoys talking dirty with himself using text-to-speech software on lonely west-coast flights.
FC: So tech stuff is his hobby?
MF: No, his hobby is blowing saves. (laughs) Actually, I think he is getting a kickback from medical researchers who use his outings as stress tests for patients. It saves money on the treadmill test, they can just tune in the 9th inning and get it done faster.
FC: Tell me about D-Lee.
MF: He's tall. He is like the Sears Tower, and I'm like, a strip mall or something. Run down, low-rent, and generally loved by poor people.
FC: Do fans ever yell out to you by your nickname of "Font"?
MF: Umm, yeah, sometimes. It's not a unique name. Not like McMilkFace or whatever you called me.
FC: Do you ever worry that when someone yells out "Font" that they may be actually a fan of Times New Roman or Sans Serif?
MF: I have no idea what that is, is that an Italian wine or something?
FC: What was your best career day with the Baltimore organization?
MF: The day I heard I was being sent to the Cubs.
FC: Growing up in Louisiana, did you ever eat mud?
MF: It was a staple of the Slidell diet.
FC: You and Theriot have played together a lot. Is there a mental connection that you two have grown to share?
MF: We're not gay, if that's what you are getting at. He's a spaz, man. Riot is a grinder. He gets all the ladies too. He is a poor man's Brad Paisley, but he doesn't sing as good. He tries to win karaoke contests. His sensual and godlike renditions of the Star Spangled Banner made him an instant Iowa celebrity when he was awarded the entire Iowa Lottery. He won like 14 ears of corn. It was crazy.
FC: Wow. Enough to feed the team almost.
MF: Almost! He is a mysterious being, often shrouded in secret musings about such odd topics like "If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?". He once sent an email to the UN Ambassador to the country of Botswana asking to change the name of their country to "Autobotswana". I guess he likes Transformers.
FC: In light of recent troubles with athletes, does it concern you about the role of athletes as role models for children?
MF: Nah, most parents do a good job with their kids, but I try to be positive. After the Michael Vick deal, I started "Bad Bloomz Kennels" andhave begun breeding dandelions for fighting and gambling purposes.
FC: Dang, that's ruthless.
MF: No, I breed them so they don't use pistils. I don't allow weapons and handguns.
FC: Interesting. And that appeals to you?
MF: Well, it helps me stamen out of trouble. I can petal my wares to buyers who are looking for that kind of thing.
FC: Let's do a little word association. I'll say a word, you tell me the first thing you think of.
MF: Shoot...
FC: Error.
MF: My computer.
FC: Pimento Cheese.
MF: Sweet Lou's breath.
FC: Natural Light.
MF: Tony LaRussa's breath.
FC: Noodle
MF: Either catching catfish back home in Louisiana, or Jacque Jones' arm.
FC: Steve Goodman
MF: That movie "The Babe". Man, he was awesome, looked just like Babe Ruth. I liked him as Dan Connor in Roseanne too.
FC: Umm...okay...how about "lazy"
MF: Stuart Scott's eye.
FC: Mike, I know you have to get ready for the game, so thanks for your time and good luck.
MF: Thanks a lot, it has been fun. Tell all the guys at bleedcubbieblue.com that I read all the time and they can lay off the personal attacks. I have feelings too, you know.
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[Note: This interview is fictional, and never happened. This was written as humor and/or satire, and does not represent the opinions, thoughts, or words of Mike Fontenot.]
This piece was inspired by the minor league players of the Iowa Cubs. Many of the players claim Mike Fontenot is the funniest teammate they have ever had, so I chose to poke some fun with it.
Until next time, GO CUBS!
Florida Cubbie
Monday, August 27, 2007
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Great Expectations
There is something different.
I used to view a good winning streak of a few games as unexpected. I was happy with splitting series, and content with not getting swept by teams with great records.
Suddenly, I find our team not just getting on small streak, but beating teams in contention with regularity, and winning series in ways that are mind-boggling.
Make no mistake, this isn't a lucky break here and there. This team is working as a coherent unit and manufacturing wins. We have a lot of talent on this team, a wily mix of veterans and rookies. Some veterans have World Series and playoff experience, even a World Series ring or two. Our rookies have Championship level experience in college ranks, and you can feel the hunger for a Championship for this team. These guys want to win it.
Consider this:
1. Our crop of key stars on this team -- Soriano, Ramirez, Lee, Zambrano -- have been relatively quiet, with the exception of Zambrano, who is having a Cy Young year. Lee has suffered a power outage, with only 12 homeruns through August 5th. However, he hasn't been a quiet hitter. He sports a robust .327 average, and over 25% of his hits this season have been doubles. He's got 58 RBI's, and could likely finish the season with over 100. In spite of his homerun dropoff, he is still hitting the ball well and finding the gaps. Soriano is pretty much what we expected, but also not what we expected. It is asking a lot to have him repeat his season of magic last year with the Nationals, but we would have at least thought he would have more than 18 homeruns at this point. He strikes out a lot, and is often impatient at the plate, which is somewhat of an understatement in itself. However, he is a threat when he is on base, and has been lifting his average lately. When he's on, he is on. Ramirez is having a good year, and is one of the more clutch batters in the lineup. His .318 average mixed with 68 RBI's has made him a huge part of this offense. In addition, he is having a gold glove year at 3B with only 5 errors.
2. Our rookies, who generally have had some degree of growing pains as they come up to the big show, are playing with piss and vinegar. Ryan Theriot has been a little firestarter, and is defining himself as a grinder. The kid does everything he can to get on base, and manufacture opportunities for the team. Mike Fontenot has been a nice addition to the team, and played very well. He has cooled off somewhat since his incredible callup, and is hitting a reasonable .308 with 28 RBI's in just the 48 games he has played.
3. Bullpen. What on earth can you say about the good job our bullpen has done? They have been incredibly effective at holding down the opposition in the last few innings, and the starters have confidence in turning the ball over to them. Ohman is iffy at best, most times, and Howry is spotty. For the most part, Lou has done a great job in feeling out the bullpen and putting in the guy who gives us the best opportunity to win. With the addition of Wood back, if healthy and strong, it s like adding another great arm at the trade deadline. Even though we are all cautiously optimistic, Wood's rehab outing have been great, with zero pain or complications, and he seems to have his mechanics right. We can only hope.
4. Lou Piniella. People can say what they want, but he has brought a new culture to this team. Lou will not stand silently and be a part of the "Loveable Loser" mantra. Lou brings excitement and a genuine sense of responsibility to the team. If you don't do your job, he has made it no secret that he will find someone who will get the job done. Players are motivated, and with every win under their belts, they gain confidence and believe in the team. Managers can bring that to a team, and sometimes it's all it takes.
5. Hope. What is stronger than that? The fans are feeding off this team, and the team feeds off the fans. It's a cycle that perpetuates over and over again. We no longer expect to be an average team, drinking beer, and basking in the sun of Wrigley Field. Now, we tingle with anticipation of drinking beer, basking in the glory of playoffs, and the hope of marching to the World Series.
We hope. We play. We're coming.
Florida Cubbie
I used to view a good winning streak of a few games as unexpected. I was happy with splitting series, and content with not getting swept by teams with great records.
Suddenly, I find our team not just getting on small streak, but beating teams in contention with regularity, and winning series in ways that are mind-boggling.
Make no mistake, this isn't a lucky break here and there. This team is working as a coherent unit and manufacturing wins. We have a lot of talent on this team, a wily mix of veterans and rookies. Some veterans have World Series and playoff experience, even a World Series ring or two. Our rookies have Championship level experience in college ranks, and you can feel the hunger for a Championship for this team. These guys want to win it.
Consider this:
1. Our crop of key stars on this team -- Soriano, Ramirez, Lee, Zambrano -- have been relatively quiet, with the exception of Zambrano, who is having a Cy Young year. Lee has suffered a power outage, with only 12 homeruns through August 5th. However, he hasn't been a quiet hitter. He sports a robust .327 average, and over 25% of his hits this season have been doubles. He's got 58 RBI's, and could likely finish the season with over 100. In spite of his homerun dropoff, he is still hitting the ball well and finding the gaps. Soriano is pretty much what we expected, but also not what we expected. It is asking a lot to have him repeat his season of magic last year with the Nationals, but we would have at least thought he would have more than 18 homeruns at this point. He strikes out a lot, and is often impatient at the plate, which is somewhat of an understatement in itself. However, he is a threat when he is on base, and has been lifting his average lately. When he's on, he is on. Ramirez is having a good year, and is one of the more clutch batters in the lineup. His .318 average mixed with 68 RBI's has made him a huge part of this offense. In addition, he is having a gold glove year at 3B with only 5 errors.
2. Our rookies, who generally have had some degree of growing pains as they come up to the big show, are playing with piss and vinegar. Ryan Theriot has been a little firestarter, and is defining himself as a grinder. The kid does everything he can to get on base, and manufacture opportunities for the team. Mike Fontenot has been a nice addition to the team, and played very well. He has cooled off somewhat since his incredible callup, and is hitting a reasonable .308 with 28 RBI's in just the 48 games he has played.
3. Bullpen. What on earth can you say about the good job our bullpen has done? They have been incredibly effective at holding down the opposition in the last few innings, and the starters have confidence in turning the ball over to them. Ohman is iffy at best, most times, and Howry is spotty. For the most part, Lou has done a great job in feeling out the bullpen and putting in the guy who gives us the best opportunity to win. With the addition of Wood back, if healthy and strong, it s like adding another great arm at the trade deadline. Even though we are all cautiously optimistic, Wood's rehab outing have been great, with zero pain or complications, and he seems to have his mechanics right. We can only hope.
4. Lou Piniella. People can say what they want, but he has brought a new culture to this team. Lou will not stand silently and be a part of the "Loveable Loser" mantra. Lou brings excitement and a genuine sense of responsibility to the team. If you don't do your job, he has made it no secret that he will find someone who will get the job done. Players are motivated, and with every win under their belts, they gain confidence and believe in the team. Managers can bring that to a team, and sometimes it's all it takes.
5. Hope. What is stronger than that? The fans are feeding off this team, and the team feeds off the fans. It's a cycle that perpetuates over and over again. We no longer expect to be an average team, drinking beer, and basking in the sun of Wrigley Field. Now, we tingle with anticipation of drinking beer, basking in the glory of playoffs, and the hope of marching to the World Series.
We hope. We play. We're coming.
Florida Cubbie
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Go 'head Mr. Kendall...
Well, here we are.
Knock, knock, knockin' on Heaven's door.
Cubs are right there, winning games, and the Brewers are trying like hell to not lose one, lest we tie for first.
The Cubs are having an awesome last month or so. Brewers, not so much.
Brew Crew has lost 9 of their last 14, and Cubbies have probably won 10 of their last 14.
Jason Kendall, who I wasn't too high on initially, has seemed to be finally getting comfortable. He is settled in and has come up with a few timely hits and some key RBI's.
In his honor, I have rewritten the words to the song Mr. Wendall by the 90's group Arrested Development.
Sing along kiddies, and GO CUBS!
*start music*
Here, have a shinguard,
in fact no brotherman here, have two
Two shinguards means nothing for me,
but it means a big deal to you
Be strong, serve Cubs only,
know that if you do, beautiful Wrigley awaits
That's the poem I wrote for the first time
I saw a man with no average, no ribbies, no HR's.
Mr. Kendall, that's his name,
A's traded him cause they thought he was a no-one
Never thought twice about his lack of homeruns,
until I had the chance to really get to see one
Now that I know him, to give him playing time isn't charity
He gets a weekly hit, I buy him some cleats
And to think Cubs spend all that money on big prospects,
still most of them can't even compete
Go ahead, Mr. Kendall
hey hey hey hey-a-a-a yeah
Go ahead, Mr. Kendall
hey hey hey hey-a-a-a yeah
Yeaaaahhhh Mr. Kendall
Mr. Kendall has freedom,
a freedom that you and I think is dumb
Free to be without the worries of a high batting average
or driving in too many runs
His only worries are wild pitches
and an occasional harassment by the baserunner and a stolen base
Washed up we call him,
but I just saw him get his first hit since May
Cubs fans, are we really fans, yes or no?
Who are we to judge?
When dozens of players could be easily traded
we took the man who is the opposite of Pudge
Mr. Kendall has tried to warn us about our ways
but we don't hear him talk
Is it thanks to him we've got this far,
and we goin' far, cause on him we walk (and steal)
Mr. Kendall, a catcher, a human in flesh,
but no passed-ball
I feed you dignity to catch with pride,
realize that you'll be hitting .250 in the fall
Mr. Kendall, yeah yeah yeah, Lord, Mr. Kendall
Go ahead, Mr. Kendall
hey hey hey hey-a-a-a yeah
Go ahead, Mr. Kendall
hey hey hey hey-a-a-a yeah
Yeaaaahhhh Mr. Kendall
Knock, knock, knockin' on Heaven's door.
Cubs are right there, winning games, and the Brewers are trying like hell to not lose one, lest we tie for first.
The Cubs are having an awesome last month or so. Brewers, not so much.
Brew Crew has lost 9 of their last 14, and Cubbies have probably won 10 of their last 14.
Jason Kendall, who I wasn't too high on initially, has seemed to be finally getting comfortable. He is settled in and has come up with a few timely hits and some key RBI's.
In his honor, I have rewritten the words to the song Mr. Wendall by the 90's group Arrested Development.
Sing along kiddies, and GO CUBS!
*start music*
Here, have a shinguard,
in fact no brotherman here, have two
Two shinguards means nothing for me,
but it means a big deal to you
Be strong, serve Cubs only,
know that if you do, beautiful Wrigley awaits
That's the poem I wrote for the first time
I saw a man with no average, no ribbies, no HR's.
Mr. Kendall, that's his name,
A's traded him cause they thought he was a no-one
Never thought twice about his lack of homeruns,
until I had the chance to really get to see one
Now that I know him, to give him playing time isn't charity
He gets a weekly hit, I buy him some cleats
And to think Cubs spend all that money on big prospects,
still most of them can't even compete
Go ahead, Mr. Kendall
hey hey hey hey-a-a-a yeah
Go ahead, Mr. Kendall
hey hey hey hey-a-a-a yeah
Yeaaaahhhh Mr. Kendall
Mr. Kendall has freedom,
a freedom that you and I think is dumb
Free to be without the worries of a high batting average
or driving in too many runs
His only worries are wild pitches
and an occasional harassment by the baserunner and a stolen base
Washed up we call him,
but I just saw him get his first hit since May
Cubs fans, are we really fans, yes or no?
Who are we to judge?
When dozens of players could be easily traded
we took the man who is the opposite of Pudge
Mr. Kendall has tried to warn us about our ways
but we don't hear him talk
Is it thanks to him we've got this far,
and we goin' far, cause on him we walk (and steal)
Mr. Kendall, a catcher, a human in flesh,
but no passed-ball
I feed you dignity to catch with pride,
realize that you'll be hitting .250 in the fall
Mr. Kendall, yeah yeah yeah, Lord, Mr. Kendall
Go ahead, Mr. Kendall
hey hey hey hey-a-a-a yeah
Go ahead, Mr. Kendall
hey hey hey hey-a-a-a yeah
Yeaaaahhhh Mr. Kendall
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